I'm a Whovian, quite Sherlocked and design killer Joomla sites. Nice to meet you!
So, some pals might want to know my story since I’ve been struggling this last week trying to separate from my husband. Here’s a somewhat long synopsis of our last 17 years together:
If anyone is unfamiliar with my full story with my hubby; He and I got together in ‘97 and had a baby in ‘98. He never had a strong employment record, even then. He called his sales job then ‘part-owner of a business.’
I took in babysitting when pregnant as he didn’t go to work enough to pay our meager bills. Flash to a few years later, he has no job and I’m working full-time in admin temp jobs. I nearly get moved to permanent but become pregnant again and they let me go. I miscarry. It’s 1999 and I’ve gotten quite good with our computer. I send my resume out to any local business I can find that has a website and get a dotcom job. He stays home and plays video games.
I put my daughter and our baby into daycare, he drives me to work and keeps the car. I finally talk the dotcom into giving him a job, as well. Late 1999 he gets type 1 diabetes and it hits him hard. We both lose our jobs as the dotcom bombs and I scramble and find another dotcom job within a month (but I’m pregnant again). He moves to another dotcom that has branched of from our original but they soon let him go and then they go under. He stops looking for work. I pay for daycare still for some time.
The pregnancy is hard and I get put on bedrest. We induce and I’m allowed 6 weeks to recover. After 4 weeks and he refuses to look for work, I have to go back to the dotcom that I hate because my boss is a creep and makes advances. If I don’t, we won’t be able to pay rent or have a Christmas. I start planning to leave the job and start a home-based business because I was tired of missing my kids while he sat at home playing games.
I quit my job, qualify for unemployment due to hostile work environment and get a client within a month. I bust my butt, nurse my newborn while working at my computer and kick ass. He still refuses to work. I steadily grow my business working long hours, take care of all our bills, handle ALL logistics of 3 kids, drive step-son home after visitation every other week and he goes out to coffee down the street daily and flirts with young baristas.
At this point, I’m determined to handle it all and do what I feel is best because he has just abdicated everything. He wants all the best computer stuff, high-end cameras and when I don’t provide them he has his Mom do it. He tells all his friends that “we” own our own business. I’m doing so well that I think I can afford to buy a house. I set aside a budget of $280k and want to stay in our excellent school district. He doesn’t engage until I actually pre-qualify. He insists on a house that is $320 and outside the district.
Then the economy dives and all my real estate clients (I’ve specialized in real estate support) evaporate. I work 24-7 and take a part-time job as webmaster at a local college. He hates me leaving the house and makes me miserable about it, so I leave after 4 months. (STUPID) We only ever fight about the frequency of intimacy. My birthday around 2007 or so… I get a past-due client to pay up just enough to keep the lights on with perhaps $50 left over. I say, “Don’t spend more than $40.” He says, don’t worry - Mom gave me a few bucks.
He gives me; a robe from Victoria’s secret, a diamond necklace, lingerie and a couple of other things and while I’m thrilled, I’m thinking…where the hell did he get all this money? I check Paypal and I am now $150 overdrawn. I have to take it all back so I can pay the light bill and he is angry at me for being ungrateful. After our first two years, he interest rate and the payments on our mortgage nearly double. I can no longer manage by myself despite working sometimes 24 hours straight. I file bankruptcy to try and stave off foreclosure. He still refuses to work.
He does NOT do much housework other than running laundry and piling clean laundry into a giant pile in the spare room. He cooks for himself and occasionally does dishes. We never go anywhere or have any friends. I try and keep the house through any means; restructure, etc. I can’t make the bankruptcy payments so we’re in giant trouble now. We get lucky the fall of 2008 as the trustee puts off foreclosure over the holidays. In Jan of 2009 as a very last-ditch effort, I file bankruptcy again merely to buy some time as I know I can’t stay in my home.
When I get the report that the middle school our daughter is due to attend in the fall has an abysmal test record, I finally give up and we move in with his Mother. His mother in the fall of 2009 lives with her mother in the house she was born in. Grandma has Alzheimers and we agree to take care of her while his Mom works full-time. I alternate my days part with working and part with caring for Grandma. My MIL is a horrible, nasty person with never a kind word and does everything for her son. I am not allowed to cook meals or do my own laundry. We live downstairs in the basement. After 2 years, Grandma passes and MIL loses her job and goes on unemployment. Having her home is an even worse nightmare.
I try to avoid her. It seems she has maxed out all of her and her moms credit and now she’s going to lose her house. My husband still refuses to work. I try my best to help give her money but I still struggle getting enough clients. My health takes a nosedive. I start getting IBS symptoms and go from 180lbs to 140 in the space of 2 months. My productivity drops and hubby actually falls into a gig with a local home builder doing 3D models of their house plans. It lasts 6 months. Once it’s gone, he does nothing.
I go into the hospital for 4 days because I suddenly have a case of diarrhea that doesn’t stop. I’m so dehydrated I nearly croak. On day 2 in the hospital, MIL calls my room telling me that I need to give her at least $1000 for rent. Yeah, nice, right? We’re now at about 2012 or so and my health and spirit just start to dissipate. I keep trying to keep income coming in but my health makes it difficult. Come 2013 and MIL can no longer keep up with the mortgage even with my help. Her UI has run out and while she gets $1000 from social security, the mortgage alone is $1500+ and all the other bills are astronomical. Hubby goes on one job interview for a 3D job; anything else is beneath him.
I bust out some good web projects and sell a ton of old junk at a garage sale to get us into our current rental home. I don’t like $1500 for rent but there is nothing else in the area we can afford and I don’t want to make my kids leave this school district again. I’m dead serious, here - I tried 3 different places that were only $1200 a month but they didn’t pan out and we had to be out by end of last August or else. There, now you have some idea of what my life has been like these last 15 years. I feel like…a shell of who I used to be.
Before I met him, I was a STRONG and independant woman. I never thought that I could somehow let someone ever do this to me. But there are some people who can, slowly and over time, condition you to accept certain behavior. If it helps just one person, I’m happy to share my story. The very first warning sign was probably how he started to isolate me quite early on. He would pout and fuss if I wanted to see friends or family or go anywhere without him. Emotional abuse is real and nobody thinks they’ll get into a situation like mine.
This week, I asked for a separation after he blew up at me for posting a supportive comment to someone on Reddit in r/relationship_advice. The topic? Yeah, ‘my husband won’t work.’ LOL
He has been vascillating between, ‘Yeah, this could be good for us! We’ve both been so stuck and depressed.’ -and- ‘I love you, I don’t want to give up on this marriage even if you do. How do I know that if I even start making money, you’ll want me again?’ He hounds and pesters and drills; I’d been so strong all week and somehow he got to me today. I hate it when he makes me cry. All the black feelings from years of feeling unworthy of love. I’m not going to let him do that to me again. It’s so sad, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.
If you’ve made it this far, I applaud you! Sorry for the diatribe and thanks!
Ah, I adore you! Thank you SO much!
Heya, if y’all could help a gal out… Can you give me links to the best BTCC fanfic? I need some good reading material. I’m not a fan of Johnlock, tho.
I promise to make a post that compiles all your suggestions!